Okay, minor suckage for the day – tamoxifen and I are just NOT the best of friends. I’ve bailed on it again, and now, 5 days later, I’m beginning to feel SOOO much better! That part doesn’t suck, that part rocks.
However, the part that sucks is feeling a) noncompliant and b) knowing that I’m giving up a 7% reduction in risk of recurrence. So while bailing helps me feel so much better, it also invites that cancer fear right on in the door and gives it a nice comfy chair to sit in.
But I HATE, with venom, the way that tamoxifen makes me feel. It’s happened twice now (tried in Oct/Nov and bailed then too) and I just can’t tell you how it makes me feel inside, like I’m filled with an icky black cloud that makes me achy so that I can barely move and then it sucks all the joy out. Stop tamoxifen, and the joy starts to find it’s way in again, light in all the corners, I can see it! And it makes me weep for the wonder of it, to care about the world again, to want to do things, to embrace the amazingness of what is (gardens and friends and music and so many fun things to do!), right? See the difference? No tamoxifen and I can be me. Tamoxifen and well, not me. I can’t be NOT me for 5 years, I just can’t. do. it.
So the alternative is to have my ovaries out, and again, I just don’t want to do it. So I guess what I’m accepting is that I seem to be willing to take that 7% risk, which is a doozie. But at least I’ll feel good while doing it! Scared, but me. And good.
There’s just no perfect solution. The brick wall of cancer treatment vs. quality of life is so incredibly frustrating, I just want to dance my way around it but seem to be blocked for the moment.