April 25, 2008...6:21 am
tamoxifen and I are NOT the best of friends
Okay, minor suckage for the day - tamoxifen and I are just NOT the best of friends. I’ve bailed on it again, and now, 5 days later, I’m beginning to feel SOOO much better! That part doesn’t suck, that part rocks.
However, the part that sucks is feeling a) noncompliant and b) knowing that I’m giving up a 7% reduction in risk of recurrence. So while bailing helps me feel so much better, it also invites that cancer fear right on in the door and gives it a nice comfy chair to sit in.
But I HATE, with venom, the way that tamoxifen makes me feel. It’s happened twice now (tried in Oct/Nov and bailed then too) and I just can’t tell you how it makes me feel inside, like I’m filled with an icky black cloud that makes me achy so that I can barely move and then it sucks all the joy out. Stop tamoxifen, and the joy starts to find it’s way in again, light in all the corners, I can see it! And it makes me weep for the wonder of it, to care about the world again, to want to do things, to embrace the amazingness of what is (gardens and friends and music and so many fun things to do!), right? See the difference? No tamoxifen and I can be me. Tamoxifen and well, not me. I can’t be NOT me for 5 years, I just can’t. do. it.
So the alternative is to have my ovaries out, and again, I just don’t want to do it. So I guess what I’m accepting is that I seem to be willing to take that 7% risk, which is a doozie. But at least I’ll feel good while doing it! Scared, but me. And good.
There’s just no perfect solution. The brick wall of cancer treatment vs. quality of life is so incredibly frustrating, I just want to dance my way around it but seem to be blocked for the moment.
4 Comments
April 29, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Your decisions make perfect sense to me. Simply, perfect sense. I can actually say that I’d make the same decision- not that that has anything to do with the price of eggs. But I agree that we must consider how we feel so we can live comfortably- it’s so difficult and abstract to weigh “risks” against quality of life. A friend of mine stopped taking Tamoxifen, too. If you’d like to chat- she’s awesome. You can find her here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lindabowman/2221511179/in/set-72157603497224051/ I’m going to link her to this post…
April 29, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Jacqueline - I can’t tell you how big a difference it made to come home and see your comment, I’ve been feeling like I’m insane to take the risk but then not able to take the pill and the whole thing just makes me so way-too upset. So thank you for your kind words, and understanding. It helps.
April 30, 2008 at 11:10 am
I know, I know! How long were you on it? I am on it and don’t like it either, but I think I’m adjusting.
Thinking about you!
April 30, 2008 at 5:02 pm
well, I’m sincerely glad that my comment mattered. I will add this… I am concerned about “blanket” prescribing drugs across the board when perhaps the risks are, indeed, quite low for some women all in an effort to “cover all the bases”- it’s like medicating FEAR- and this fear of re-occurrence is often a not-so-scientific thing, at best… or worst.
some good info is here:
http://bcaction.org/index.php?page=policy-on-pills
and this might be good to know about:
http://bcaction.org/index.php?page=ai-questionnaire
all the best stuff to you- including peace and comfort in all the decisions that you make for a good life!!!
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